Friday, November 30, 2012

Mind meld

I'm sitting at my desk today, thinking about all the things I need to do this evening.  Included in my list was to do a walk-thru at my rental property.  I'm packing a few tools and some cleaning stuff in my car today so I can do some caulking and light repair.  I also know there's a stain in the carpet so I packed the iron in case I need it to try to remove the stain.

"Wouldn't it be funny," I mused, "If someone needed the iron at the house today?  I'm the only person who ever uses it and even then it's just when I'm sewing.  But wouldn't it be funny if the one and only day the iron has ever left the house it was needed?"

I kid you not, 30 seconds later my cell phone rang.

"Hey baby," Brett said.  "Hey where are we keeping the iron these days?"


"The iron.  Mom is looking for it and we haven't been able to find it anywhere."

Seriously.  I'm thinking of playing Powerball tonight.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

A spider town hall meeting

Head Councilspider:  Thank you all for coming. Scoot in, scoot in.  We've all got 8 legs you know.  Those of you who can spin your own web and dangle from above, please do so.  We're a little crowded here.  We'd like to thank Gus, our facilities manager, for constructing this new web here on the abandoned car tire on short notice.  Imagine our surprise when we went to check out our previous town hall web in the wood pile and found it was gone.  Not just the web.  The whole wood pile.  Weird.  Seems to happen every year when the weather gets cold.  Anyway, on to the business at hand...

Random spider citizen:  Sorry I'm late!  I went to the bicycle tire on the patio by mistake!

Head Councilspider:  It's okay.  Just squeeze in wherever.  So, the purpose of this meeting today is that Wolfbane, who many of you know, has asked to be allowed to address the community on a matter which he consider to be of great importance.  The floor is yours Wolfbane.

Wolfbane:  Thank you, sir.  And thank you fellow spider citizens for coming today.  Many of you have known me since I was an egg in my momma's sac.  I've grown up in this community and consider all of you as my family.  I've come to speak to you about the destruction of our homes.  Whether you want to admit it or not, it's happening more and more frequently.  Miss Sally, your fine home above the front porch light was destroyed just last week.  You and all your children were forced to relocate into a web half the size way out in the garden area, isn't that right?

Miss Sally:  Yeah, that's right!  I spent weeks on that web... it was my dear departed mother's design.  And then one day, BAM!  We're homeless.

Wolfbane:  I'm truly sorry.  And Phil, a similar thing happened to your web in the darkest corner of the closet just last night.

Phil:  Why, that's right.  And believe-you-me, it ain't easy for a 7-legged disabled arachnid like myself to just pick up and spin a new web.  I'm living with my niece up near the fireplace for the time being but it just gets so dagnabbit hot in the evenings.  I won't be able to stay there forever.

Wolfbane:  I think every spider in this community has been touched by disaster at one time or another.  That is why I have asked to address this council.  I propose moving the community to somewhere safer.

Head Councilspider:  But where?  The wanton destruction seems to follow us wherever we build our webs.

Wolfbane:  I wish permission to seek for the mythical land of... Tub-Show'er.

(There is a quiet uproar among the spiders.  Several mother spiders cover the ears of their little ones and many shake their heads in disgust.)

Spider citizen #1:  This again!  We all know Tub-Show'er doesn't exist!  It's a legend!

Spider citizen #2:  Oh, it's out there!  It's a magical land!  Cool white tiles as far as the eyes can see!

Spider citizen #3:  It's too dangerous!  Be afraid, be very afraid!

Head Councilspider:  Order please!  Come to order!  Wolfbane, this is folly.  Many have attempted to find this land, Tub-Show'er, and none have ever returned.

Wolfbane:  I know the road will be dangerous but I am a mighty spider, wide of girth and hairy of leg.  I can find it and lead our people there.  They will be safe there.  How many more homes need to be destroyed?  How many more of us must be stepped on or sprayed with hairspray and lit on fire before we take action?!

(The web falls silent as a grizzled old spider, older than the hills, makes his way forward on shaky legs.  He addresses the group in a near whisper.)

Old Man Spider:  When I was a young spider, my grandspider used to tell me stories of Tub-Show'er.  He's long gone but the stories stayed with me.  It is truly a unique place, warm in the winter and cool in the summer.  And white... so much white.... but beware.  The true danger of the land Tub-Show'er lies in the sudden, violent rains.  Don't shake your head, young man.  You ain't never seen nothing like these rainstorms.  One moment you are basking in a cool rounded corner and the next you are fighting for your life!  You may think that you are strong but when the storm comes it will be all you can do to skritter around, desperately searching for a foothold, while the drops pound, pound, POUND you from above, draining your strength and your will to life.  Another moment later you will have no choice to curl up in a ball and be washed away to wherever the current carries you.  IF you survive the current, you will no longer be in the land of Tub-Show'er but in a land far removed, dark and moist and prone to flashflooding from whence there is no return.  Think twice before you set out on your quest, young Wolfbane.  What I say is true.

(There is silence for a moment.)

Wolfbane:  Thank you all for your concern, but with your permission, I shall begin my journey to find Tub-Show'er in the morning.

Head Councilspider.  We cannot stop you if you are determined.  May the odds be ever in your favor.


Epilogue:  After many days, Wolfbane did indeed discover the mythical land of Tub-Show'er.  He had only been there a few hours to enjoy the cool white tile as far as his eyes could see before the prophesied torrential rain started.  It was scalding hot and seemed to follow him in all directions.  As he curled up in a ball and resigned himself to his fate he thought he heard a woman's agitated voice, "Blasted spiders!  Why is there one in my shower EVERY SINGLE DAY?!!"

Friday, November 23, 2012

The nose on her face

I went into an office the other day to pick up a letter which I was told was left at the front desk.  The receptionist is sitting a a desk which has a little raised counter attached to it so the public can write checks or whatever on it, and so I can't see over into her workspace.

Me:  I'm Andrea Fox.  I'm here to pick up a letter that was left for me.

Receptionist:  A what?

Me:  An envelope.  It has a letter in it.

Receptionist (looking around her desk):  I don't see anything.  What's your name?

Me:  Andrea Fox.  I was told yesterday that it was ready and I could pick it up at the front desk today.

Receptionist:  Hmmm.... there's nothing here.  (looking around again)  Could it be under a different name?

Me:  No.  It's just an envelope with a letter in it.  I was told it was already ready and at the front desk.  Is there another place that might be "the front desk?"

Receptionist:  Well... no.  I just... there's just nothing here... (flags down a coworker)... Hey, I'm looking for a letter for Andr...

Co-worker (grabs an envelope that is hanging at eye-level, right in front of the receptionist's face with the words ANDREA FOX WILL PICK UP ON WEDNESDAY emblazoned on the face):  Andrea Fox?

Receptionist:  Oh... is this what you are looking for?

Me (blink, blink):  Yes.  Thank you.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Conversations with a 3 year old

Brooke is looking out the window while eating dinner last night.

Brooke:  Look mom!  The moon!

Mom:  No, sweetie, that's the Target sign.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Conversations with a 2 year old

We were chatting with Leah yesterday morning.

Mom:  What's your name?

Leah:  I'm Weee-ah!

Mom:  And how old are you?

Leah:  I'm two! (holds up two fingers)

Mom:  Are you a boy or a girl?

Leah:  (thoughtfully)  Cow.

Dad:  A cow?

Leah:  Yup.  Cow.

Dad:  Are you a dog?

Leah:  Dog.

Mom:  Are you an elephant?

Leah:  E-phant.

Mom:  Are you a platypus?

Leah:  Claptypus.

Dad:  Are you a parrot?

Leah:  Carrot.

Love my little carrot girl!