1-800-DONT-GO-FEDEX

I was expecting a couple of pairs of shoes to be delivered via FedEx last Thursday. I wanted to wear them to a party that Brett and I were attending on Friday night. I was surprised when the package didn't arrive on Thursday, as expected, so I checked the tracking information for my account.

The tracking information indicated that the package had been delivered at 1:06 that afternoon. Brett was home at that time and he didn't recall anyone coming to the door or ringing the bell or even the dogs barking. The following describes my subsequent conversations with FedEx:

Thursday, 6:00 pm
Me: My package was supposed to arrive today but it never came.

FE: I show that it was delivered at 1:06 pm and left by the front door.

Me: Well, it wasn't.

FE: I'm sorry about that ma'am. We'll have to contact the driver when he returns to the station to get some more information from him. What's a good number to contact you at?

Me: It's xxx-xxx-xxxx. That's my cell so call me anytime.

FE: He should be back to the station soon, so we should be able to let you know tonight.

Friday, 6:00 pm
Me: I called yesterday. Someone was supposed to check with the driver about my package and call me. I didn't hear from anyone.

FE: It looks like the driver hasn't returned to the station yet today.

Me: But they were supposed to check with him yesterday and call me.

FE: I'm sorry about that ma'am. I'll have someone call you tonight when the driver returns.

Me: Call me anytime. I'll have my cell phone on.

Friday, 10:00 pm
Me: I called earlier this evening. Someone was supposed to call me about my missing package.

FE: I'm sorry about that ma'am. It looks like we don't have any new information for you.

Me: Well, did someone talk to the driver?

FE: It looks like your question was transmitted to him today at 4:25 pm.

Me: Today? They were supposed to check with him yesterday.

FE: I'm sorry about that ma'am. He hasn't logged a response yet, but it looks like the system hasn't updated since the station closed. I'm sure his response is waiting for you, it just hasn't been uploaded.

Me: When should I call back?

FE: Tomorrow. We'll definitely have the information by tomorrow.

Saturday, 2:00 pm
Me: I'm calling about my package. I was told to call back today.

FE: We've put a trace on your package, but looks like it is missing. I recommend filing a 'missing package claim.'

Me: I thought that's what I did last three times I called and chose the 'missing package claim' option from your menu.

FE: Well, no. I'm sorry about that ma'am. But I can help you with that now... oh, wait... actually I can't file a claim because we are waiting for a response from the driver.

Me: I know. He was supposed to respond Thursday, then I found out your people didn't even ask him until Friday. He was supposed to have responded last night, but I'm assuming, based on your reaction that he didn't. This is my fourth call. I wouldn't keep calling except your reps keep assuring me that they will have more info for me later. What should I do now?

FE: Well, at this point I think you should talk to a supervisor.

Me: Great idea.

So, I talk to Buzz, a supervisor in Dallas. He is smart and genuinely concerned about my plight. He gently suggests that the package might have been mis-delivered and asks if my neighbors wouldn't bring it by if they had received it by mistake. I tell him that every 5th house in my neighborhood is vacant, so if it has been mis-delivered, I will likely never get it.

Buzz tells me he will personally call the station and speak to the driver. I tell him that if the driver did deliver the package to our house, he would certainly remember the piles of dirt and rocks that he had to walk around to get to the front door.

Buzz actually calls me back in a few minutes. The driver is off on Saturday and Sunday, but someone will certainly call me on Monday. Buzz apologizes profusely again and gives me his direct line to call if I don't hear from someone on Monday.

Monday, 7:55 am
FE: Hi, this is FedEx calling you back. Uh, yeah... the driver went out and verified that he did deliver your package to the correct house.

Me: Really? How did he verify it? All the houses in our neighborhood look pretty much alike.

FE: Well, he went out there and verified it.

Me: Sure. But what exactly did he verify? You're telling me he remembered coming to our non-descript tract home 5 days ago well enough to say, "Yup, this is the place"? Did he remember the piles of rocks and dirt in our walkway?

FE: I don't have that information ma'am. I just know he verified it. Do you have house numbers clearly visible?

Me: You tell me. Your driver was supposedly out here "verifying" the address. He should know if I have house numbers. Honestly, lady, I find it very, very improbable that he came all the way out here prior to 8:00 on Monday morning and "verified" the address. I know he was off on Saturday and Sunday. So, can you at least tell me when he "verified" it? I think he's full of it.

FE: I don't have that information ma'am. I can have someone call you.

No one ever called me.

You might think I was being a little hard on the poor woman and you would be right for thinking that. But I knew for a fact that the driver was either a moron or a liar. You see, over the weekend, a neighbor did come by and drop my package off. She lives several streets over, but her house number is the same as mine. Right number, wrong street.

Sure, it's possible the driver came out bright and early Monday morning and verified the address, but if he did, he was at the same wrong house. It's much more likely he's just a liar.

Ironically, when I e-mailed the company from which I had purchased the shoes to let them know my package had been misdirected, they automatically re-shipped my order, free of charge. That package got delivered juuuuuust fine.

By the way, www.endless.com rocks. I highly recommend them for shoes.